Skip to main content

Unceasing Character Assassination (UCA)

This is an unstoppable verbal torrent which contains some inciteful observations, some creative metaphors and lots of criticism, distain, incredulity and outrage.

It is spoken with insistence and without a break.  There are almost no rhetorical questions that I can think of and most of it is therefore phrased as a definitive account of what 'you do' and what 'you think'.

It comes after an argument/melt down and feels, at first, like something one should respect.  Both husband and I have experienced these and some instinct tell us there is merit in letting Lily get these things off her chest. There might be useful learning on both sides and an opportunity for us to acknowledge where we have made a mistake, or explain further why we said or did something that we did.

The trouble is, it is very hard to get a word in edge ways and even less likely that what we say will be given any credence. Above all, there is no reduction in fervour.  If anything, she becomes more vindictive and indignant, verging on arrogant.  It is her retelling of something exclusively from her point of view.  Then it forms a springboard to every other thought or teenage reference that has kept her awake, or a number of past events that must be brought up again as evidence of our failings. The longest it lasted was 3 hours and then only stopped because Husband called an end to it.

It puts me in mind of something else.

One weekend, in the second year that the kids came to us there was an altercation with Lucas, aged 8, when he refused to do something I was telling him to do and he ordered me out of his room.  I stood my ground and he attacked me.  I then had a dilemma, to leave his room now would mean his violence and orders had worked.  Staying meant 'allowing' him to keep hitting me.  I had heard some bad advice somewhere that a small child would wear themselves out if you let them keep hitting and therefore learn at least one consequence of their violence, their own exhaustion.  But Lucas just didn't stop.  He beat my shoulder, kicked my legs and hit my arms repeatedly as I sat in a ball in the corner of the room by the door with my arms over my head.  He took himself away to lie on his bed for a moment but when I moved he came back and started again.

Once Lily has had her say and has started to repeat herself and ramp up her accusations I feel I am once again submitting to another version of that beating and it feels wrong.  

My thought is that it would be good to try to reflect this to Lily one day.  To tell her that we want to hear her and to understand her point of view but there must be boundaries on how this is done.  yes, I can hear a therapist telling me this is what should be done and at the same time I can see me and husband looking at each other thinking - how the hell...???


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Rollercoaster

I went away for an overnight mini break last week.   It was a good reminder of how good doing that can be, not just for me, but for the people I think won't be able to cope without me. Of course they do, in fact, they step up to the mark and do stuff that they never do when I'm around. Lily has been consistently failing to get out to school on time, she still had mock exams to catch up with but the results were coming back for the ones she had managed to do and they were not good.  She has been getting to school 'at some point' and in something resembling school uniform.  By 9am each morning I have been withdrawing to start my own work and conserve my energy.  I knew school wouldn't be happy but what am I supposed to tell them?  We are not 'letting' her stay at home but we cannot get her out any faster or any more reliably.  On the morning of my trip she tried to get me to agree to her leaving late and when I didn't she left late anyway.  She'd fo...

Door Slam

Lily says, My window was open! Why should I say sorry when it wasn't my fault? I didn't know there was a problem if a door slams. I had just called up to her angrily that she had to absolutely be out by 8.15am after she decided to take her phone back upstairs with her despite my protestations. Unusually she had come down about 7.30am, all chatty, looking for me - big hug - getting ready for her first full week of school attendance. Twenty minutes later, both of us in tears in different rooms, Husband asking me what he should do and wanting to help, mother-in-law cowering downstairs...@~#{£%&**! I am trying very hard to lower my stress levels.  I am very overweight and in my 50s. I have 2 aunts who died from ovarian cancer in their late 50s and 60s and I had a smear test booked for today (which the nurse has just cancelled).  I think a lot of people might tell me to withdraw from Lily and let her manage things on her own, that she is old enough.  If we had come to this...

Eating - part 2

I ended the last blog post with an either/or choice between what I think is good for us as a family and what Lily wants or needs for a healthy food intake.  I left my computer feeling guilty. How could I impose some family construct on her if that meant she found eating uncomfortable, stressful and hard to do?  Yet we had actually had a very pleasant time all together at the table the night before so I couldn't quite believe that it is was always as bad as she suggests in her angry moments. Last night was a 'get-your-own-dinner' night.  She was buzzing after spending time with friends so I felt I could sit at the table with her without troubling her.  She was happy to talk, I mentioned the BBC programme and she came back with a YouTube channel she'd found with a video on burnout vs depression and she was thrilled by how much made sense to her (It's this one by Mom on the Spectrum ).  I picked up on one of her bugbears which is people 'understanding' (or not...