This is an unstoppable verbal torrent which contains some inciteful observations, some creative metaphors and lots of criticism, distain, incredulity and outrage.
It is spoken with insistence and without a break. There are almost no rhetorical questions that I can think of and most of it is therefore phrased as a definitive account of what 'you do' and what 'you think'.
It comes after an argument/melt down and feels, at first, like something one should respect. Both husband and I have experienced these and some instinct tell us there is merit in letting Lily get these things off her chest. There might be useful learning on both sides and an opportunity for us to acknowledge where we have made a mistake, or explain further why we said or did something that we did.
The trouble is, it is very hard to get a word in edge ways and even less likely that what we say will be given any credence. Above all, there is no reduction in fervour. If anything, she becomes more vindictive and indignant, verging on arrogant. It is her retelling of something exclusively from her point of view. Then it forms a springboard to every other thought or teenage reference that has kept her awake, or a number of past events that must be brought up again as evidence of our failings. The longest it lasted was 3 hours and then only stopped because Husband called an end to it.
It puts me in mind of something else.
One weekend, in the second year that the kids came to us there was an altercation with Lucas, aged 8, when he refused to do something I was telling him to do and he ordered me out of his room. I stood my ground and he attacked me. I then had a dilemma, to leave his room now would mean his violence and orders had worked. Staying meant 'allowing' him to keep hitting me. I had heard some bad advice somewhere that a small child would wear themselves out if you let them keep hitting and therefore learn at least one consequence of their violence, their own exhaustion. But Lucas just didn't stop. He beat my shoulder, kicked my legs and hit my arms repeatedly as I sat in a ball in the corner of the room by the door with my arms over my head. He took himself away to lie on his bed for a moment but when I moved he came back and started again.
Once Lily has had her say and has started to repeat herself and ramp up her accusations I feel I am once again submitting to another version of that beating and it feels wrong.
My thought is that it would be good to try to reflect this to Lily one day. To tell her that we want to hear her and to understand her point of view but there must be boundaries on how this is done. yes, I can hear a therapist telling me this is what should be done and at the same time I can see me and husband looking at each other thinking - how the hell...???
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