Door Slam

Lily says,

My window was open!

Why should I say sorry when it wasn't my fault?

I didn't know there was a problem if a door slams.

I had just called up to her angrily that she had to absolutely be out by 8.15am after she decided to take her phone back upstairs with her despite my protestations.

Unusually she had come down about 7.30am, all chatty, looking for me - big hug - getting ready for her first full week of school attendance.

Twenty minutes later, both of us in tears in different rooms, Husband asking me what he should do and wanting to help, mother-in-law cowering downstairs...@~#{£%&**!

I am trying very hard to lower my stress levels.  I am very overweight and in my 50s. I have 2 aunts who died from ovarian cancer in their late 50s and 60s and I had a smear test booked for today (which the nurse has just cancelled).  I think a lot of people might tell me to withdraw from Lily and let her manage things on her own, that she is old enough.  If we had come to this in the normal way I would agree, but I am acutely aware of the fragility of her attachment.  I fear that me withdrawing would lead her to separating herself completely, like her brother did.  I see that our relationship now, though, is not healthy. 

I tell myself to do what is best for me because I am the only one who can really do that.  The children will keep draining me and that is what Husband sees, and hates. He calls them dementors.

Yet I am a loving, giving person and that gives me pleasure and validation.  How can I honour that and protect myself from abuse?  Husband goes into battle mode, armour on, defenses up. That just makes me sad and despairing. He says I am noble which is like when people tell us we're 'amazing' for adopting.  They are difficult compliments to own because we are not doing it with that intention and at no time does it feel amazing or noble.  I think, to achieve a goal in your work, or a sport, or an activity might feel in itself uplifting, invigorating, amazing. Perhaps to consciously make a sacrifice or favour another over yourself might feel honourable and right and so you might be ok about someone else calling it noble.  The key difference, I think, is the consciousness and the goal.  What I do, what we do, most of the time is pure instinct and survival.

It's 9.15am now. Lily still hasn't made it out of the door.

Photo by Paweł L.: https://www.pexels.com/photo/empty-hallway-1320733/