Parenting Lily

I don't know where the notion of  'shame' fits into parenting anymore. And in particular what it's role is with kids like Lily. I know that it was my mother's favourite tool and I don't think she was alone in the 1970s.  Her mother had used shame and a stair rod, thankfully mine used shame and a rare smack on the bottom.  Husband and I were warned off using anything that might make our children, who had been neglected by birth parents and moved on from foster parents, feel bad about themselves.  Fair enough, I get it.  There are other tools we can use: encouragement, reward and I think there is an expectation that the child will recognise when it is being shown extra care and consideration and will respond to that.  I believe it is a natural assumption to think that a damaged child, one that has received even less care and consideration might be especially appreciative.  We might not admit it but we would like them to feel grateful.  Yet the truth...