Parenting Lily

 Lily has long hair and for a number of reasons we only get it cut a couple of times a year.  Today is one of those times. This will involve me knocking on her door in about 10 minutes and reminding her to get up so that we can go in an hour and 10 minutes time. She's been looking dreadful - no self care, same sleeping clothes for the last 4 days, unbrushed hair.  I would expect her to take a long time to feel good enough about going out and to present herself in a salon and spend an hour looking at herself in the mirror in public. Well hopefully not an hour.  I am dreading the whole thing and finding it difficult to put my mind to anything else until it is done. Husband has suggested I leave and tell her I will meet her there - along the lines of exam mornings.  This is a good idea except the appointment is with my hairdresser, someone to whom I have a commitment and a long relationship which is important to me.  I suppose it's similar to my concern for th...

I've just walked away from a potential UCA (unceasing character assassination). The nub of the fall out was my asking her how she felt about next school year and actually going to her sixth form of choice which is a 30 minute bike ride away.   It seems teachers have been muttering to her as well about lowering her expectations and changing her courses. She is outraged and affronted by my suggestion that she might not go / do it and maybe needs a plan B.  I talked about the technical college which is round the corner from us.   I am trying to communicate to her that people can plan for the future based on past experience.  It's great when there is a sudden surprise or someone suddenly does something you didn't think they were going to do (attending all her exams) but we can't rely on that.  She protested that I was saying she can't do these things and I said that wasn't what I was saying, I was saying she doesn't.   She told me I had said she ...

I am almost certain that Lily did not go to bed last night. Despite all reminders and a day without any exams (and consequently not going to school) yesterday, she apparently forgot the deadline for the second art sketchbook which was today. She made it into her physics exam this morning but apparently nearly stopped and sought medical help because she said her vision was blurring.  She told me she might have an allergy, "that's what the medic said".  It's been pouring with rain for 48 hours.  I don't need to check the pollen count (but I do), it's low and she's never suffered particularly.  I don't think it's allergies I tell her. She shrugs and says she needs to have a lie down, she didn't get much sleep last night. She's decided she doesn't need the melatonin anymore and I think she's cramming all night, going to the exam first thing, home by midday and then sleeping till, well, I wake her up. She's eaten dinner with us the l...

 Lily made it out of the house in time for her first written exam. Photo by Tirachard Kumtanom:

This is an unstoppable verbal torrent which contains some inciteful observations, some creative metaphors and lots of criticism, distain, incredulity and outrage. It is spoken with insistence and without a break.  There are almost no rhetorical questions that I can think of and most of it is therefore phrased as a definitive account of what 'you do' and what 'you think'. It comes after an argument/melt down and feels, at first, like something one should respect.  Both husband and I have experienced these and some instinct tell us there is merit in letting Lily get these things off her chest. There might be useful learning on both sides and an opportunity for us to acknowledge where we have made a mistake, or explain further why we said or did something that we did. The trouble is, it is very hard to get a word in edge ways and even less likely that what we say will be given any credence. Above all, there is no reduction in fervour.  If anything, she becomes more vindict...

 It doesn't matter how much yoga I do or how prepared I think I am, sometimes I lose control. This is what I did- Checked in that she was planning to leave for school. Brought up a bag for the sketch book. Told her when school was about to start (in 15 minutes, in 5 minutes) and that she had to go because the art teacher was expecting the book. When I was told that I had to stop and I was making her not go I shouted up that I would take the book to school and she could follow. I got dressed, put my hair up and put my shoes and coat on. I went to her door and when she still told me no I took (grabbed? ripped?) the bag from her hands and went downstairs and out to my bike. I stopped as she begged me not to go and asked over and over why I was doing this and said she had been about to go.  We shouted at each other, horribly.  When I came back in she grabbed the bag back and I tried to get it back, for a moment, then stopped.  I followed her upstairs and pushed my way in...

I don't know where the notion of  'shame' fits into parenting anymore. And in particular what it's role is with kids like Lily. I know that it was my mother's favourite tool and I don't think she was alone in the 1970s.  Her mother had used shame and a stair rod, thankfully mine used shame and a rare smack on the bottom.  Husband and I were warned off using anything that might make our children, who had been neglected by birth parents and moved on from foster parents, feel bad about themselves.  Fair enough, I get it.  There are other tools we can use: encouragement, reward and I think there is an expectation that the child will recognise when it is being shown extra care and consideration and will respond to that.  I believe it is a natural assumption to think that a damaged child, one that has received even less care and consideration might be especially appreciative.  We might not admit it but we would like them to feel grateful.  Yet the truth...

The exams have started. This week began with 2 full days of art.  First thing I heard about it was from Husband while I was away for a family 80th knees-up over the weekend.  Husband hears from Lily that she's been given extra time to complete her sketchbook but it is due in at the beginning of the exam on Monday.  I am reeling - the timetable we have been sent indicated the art exam is in June and I know Lily has done nothing, n-o-t-h-i-n-g  towards preparation for her final piece. Husband is suitably laid back and indeed, when I speak to Lily, she too seems fine.  I ask if she's ok?  How can this be?  I assume she has just found out about it because she missed 2 full days of school and some mornings last week and she agrees that even her best friend didn't know.  I ask Lily if she knows what she's going to do for her final piece - only a week ago she had changed it completely for the third time and when I expressed some reservation and asked if ...