Learned behaviour

When we first arranged for Lucas to go to boarding school the psychologist who had been working with us for 2 years was thoughtful and a little reserved. Her greatest caution to us was to be wary of what changes we might see in Lily, as a result, not what might happen to Lucas.  She said that Lily may fill the chaotic void left behind - that she might play up in ways that keeps the home in that familiar 'fight mode' both because it's what feels 'right' to her and because she hasn't had a chance up to now.  

It didn't happen then but I would say we never got a long enough respite without Lucas being at home/ being sent home / being out of school for Lily to make any adjustments.

Now, however, things are properly different and yet, history is repeating itself and I feel us all falling down the same rabbit hole.

I spoke to my brother about it.  I needed someone who knows us and Lily but also has a background in psychology.  

Lily was being rude, nasty, manipulative and self important when it came to the time to hand her phone in at the end of the night.  She protested that at nearly 16 we should trust her, that all of her friends keep their phones over night and cited lots of times when being able to access her phone - videos and google - in the middle of the night would make her more able to achieve things the next day not less.

Faced with such an onslaught, husband and I could think of nothing else but to resort to previous tools of withholding the phone and/or limiting the wifi.  I desperately wanted to address this entitlement where she didn't even acknowledge what it means to give her the phone in the first place: the rental contract, the SIM contract, the broadband contract and the electricity bill.  I was all ready to give her a letter to that affect since talking over us and rubbishing everything we say is fast becoming her Olympic standard sport. 

Somewhere, inside me though, I knew we would only be heading for more trouble.  My brother took a step back from the situation and spoke candidly.  He said he thought Lily would feel punished for the restriction of the phone, not for her usage, but for Lucas's before her.  He said she was clearly resorting to learned behaviour and mimicking the things he did to get her way but that our reactions were also learned behaviour.  He said somehow we had to do something different so that we didn't end up in the same place and that although he agreed all Lily's reasoning about the phone was nonsense and highly unlikely to make any difference to her school attendance or academic achievement, it might not make it worse.

I caught myself looking for all the similarities between Lily and Lucas and preparing to protect myself from the very worst of what had gone before.  Then I realised that I needed to make a list of all the ways she was different to him instead. Husband and I talked about what it would actually mean to give her 24hour phone access and he agreed that it would probably catch her off guard and, at least temporarily, diffuse the situation.  We would effectively call her bluff and say, 'Ok, you think you are mature enough to do this? Show us this maturity.'

I wrote another list of some of the behaviours I would expect to see from someone so mature.  It said:

More of these:

- getting up and out independently and on time

- offer to help in the house or take initiative to keep things clean and tidy in common areas

- share sociable time with us, have a laugh!

- come down to dinner without always having to be called

-have more awareness of other people waiting

Then I called Lily downstairs and talked her through it. I was clear that she had been rude and mean and that it looked very much like a repeat of behaviour we had dealt with with Lucas.

Brother and I had spoken about whether to name the direct comparison of what Lily was doing or not.  I said we had been avoiding it because it felt toxic and damning to say it but Brother questioned whether she was even aware of it.  So it was interesting when I alluded to it how quickly she challenged me, 

 " You're saying I'm like Lucas"

It reminded me of Lucas goading us to tell him he didn't want him, that we weren't his parents.

It's what they are thinking, presumably and they want it validated, but they also don't want to hear it.

It felt good to come back with,

"Actually, I've written a list of all the ways you are different to Lucas."

Her first reaction to the list was to dispute the last item as being something that also applied to Lucas ( I mean, whaaat??! talk about deliberately missing the point).  She also wanted to tell me how she had done some of the things on my other list in the last few weeks and I congratulated her and said that I just wanted to see more or them.  

Perhaps most usefully she acknowledged the problem of her not spending time with us perpetuating miscommunication and discomfort.  She said we didn't get on and we argued but I said that disagreement in families was normal and was a safe place to practice having different opinions  She seemed to accept when I told her it was a Catch22 that I had to tell her difficult stuff or ask her to do things the one time I saw her because that was probably the one time in the day I would see her.  She also pre-warned me that she was unlikely to be able to 'have a laugh' with her exams looming.

Brother had commented that the language she was using to accuse us of being bad parents was straight out of American teen TV shows.  It certainly feels like it is convenient for her to frame us as the enemy.  I wonder how quickly she will move  onto the next thing that she can blame us for.  

Post Script

It's nearly a week since this conversation.  There's been something of an improvement in response times and more participation with the clearing at the end of a meal.  No acceptance of invitations to the pub and this morning she sat outside with her bowl of cereal rather than be in the same room as me.

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