Skip to main content

Night Rider

Lily is 15 and a half.

She is clever and creative, articulate and reflective.  

Sometimes.

She is also obstinate, obstructive, rude and closed off, sometimes.

It is 5 days since she was diagnosed with autism and we are now waiting to hear whether she also has ADHD.  The diagnosis was not exactly a surprise but I had prepared myself for not getting one as I thought she would struggle more if that were the outcome.  We had also both been more focused on the ADHD having gone to a talk about it together, at the beginning if January.  I didn't realise she saw ADHD as a bit more common and a bit more "socially acceptable" (her words) but I did know that an ASD diagnosis would be complicated by the fact that her older, aggressive and disruptive brother was also diagnosed 2 and a half years ago.

I'm thinking for a moment - why am I measuring the half years?  well of course, it is because when you are parenting non-neuro typical kids (especially when you don't know it) a day can feel like a week, or a month.  It took us over a year to get Lucas assessed and it was a turning point that I still need to measure in months, not years.

Trying to anticipate outcomes and laying the groundwork of expectation is something my husband and I have learned to do constantly since our children came to us, aged 5 and 6.  Seeing Lucas' behaviour through an ASD lens helped but it was complicated by other diagnoses and early life trauma and Lily will be the same.  Her attachment style is avoidant so I can't tell if her shutting me out is because of that, or her autism or standard teenager want-to-break-free-ness.

Why does it matter? Because I don't know how to support her.  I don't know which book to read, which guidelines to follow, who to talk to.  I've spent the afternoon watching a very dry YouTube video on an academic study of Autistic Burnout.  Lily is currently on a 3 day school week after managing a total of 2 days of school in the last month.  Today was a non-school day.  At 4pm she appears from her room-cave to tell me she is going over to her friend's and can she leave there at 7.30pm - getting home some time after 8pm?

Oh dear, looking at it now I'm doubting myself, but bear with me.

Firstly, we live in a reasonably bike friendly city but it is February and it is dark from 5pm and today it is raining. Lily wears glasses, a black coat and, despite my best efforts, will have poorly charged bike lights and probably cycle with her hood up and her long hair drooping all over her face. Routes to her friend's house will all be traffic heavy.  I'm torn between worrying about her safety and building up her confidence and independence.

Secondly, she is a terrible time keeper and consistently messages at a time she is due home to ask for more time.  Our school night 'be-at-home-by' time, in the winter, before Christmas, was always 6.30pm.  Somehow it has now extended to 7pm which regularly looks like 7.30pm or later so me agreeing to her leaving her friend's at 7.30pm will extend this even further.  

Interestingly, when I expressed this to her she pointed out that I had let her stay till 7.30pm last week, then picked her up in the car, so why couldn't she do it again when she was on her bike?  This assumption that a single event would form the basis of a routine was a major issue with Lucas and had us on our guard every time he requested anything.  I've not noticed it so starkly with Lily before,  

Right, but what is the problem with 8pm on a school night for a 15 year old? ( Let's put to one side any thought of an 'evening meal' and address the erratic eating/nutrition/hydration another time.)

Well, it comes down to this selective ability to get up and out and participate in social activities but not make it to school or participate at home.  I just don't know whether I should be celebrating and praising her doing anything at all, or putting my foot down in a way that some of her energies are directed towards 'work'.  Husband and I have never felt we could be the sort of parents we wanted to be - maybe all parents feel that? - but it's just so hard to trust yourself and assert yourself when you are also trying to be so bloody aware. 

In the end I think I did a good job expressing myself.  

When she was jumpy about the time and me not immediately agreeing to her schedule I said:

- I understand that her daily cycle is different to everyone else's (up after 2pm) but it was nothing to do with me that she was now in a rush to get out

- I feel like she is taking advantage of changes over the last month such as having her phone for longer periods and staying out longer

- She needs to give me the same consideration as I try to give her when making arrangements which is sufficient time to process and agree something

By the time I'd said all that she was so exasperated and desperate to go she said she would 'just come home earlier'.  

We'll see. It's very wet out there. 





Labels

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

there's always tomorrow

How do I break down the contradictions in Lily's idea of who she is versus what she does and how she shows herself to be? Yesterday she told us at dinner that she is having a competition with her best friend to see who can be the most tanned this Summer. Husband and I bit our tongues and merely nodded with interest. We wanted to say: "You do know that to get a tan you have to be up when the sun is up?" or "You do know that to get a tan you have to go outside?" But it was suddenly clear to me that in her head she was a completely different person - one who jumps around beaches with lithe brown limbs and lies back on picnic rugs with sand between her toes.  I remembered my own Baywatch-based alter-ego. My dream had always been to lose weight and magically change my coarse curly hair for one of those glossy bouncing pony-tails.  Those kinds of daydreams are precious at any time in our lives but especially for a teenager. So it was good that Husband and I didn't...
Post a Comment
Read more

Flipping Days and Nights

I am almost certain that Lily did not go to bed last night. Despite all reminders and a day without any exams (and consequently not going to school) yesterday, she apparently forgot the deadline for the second art sketchbook which was today. She made it into her physics exam this morning but apparently nearly stopped and sought medical help because she said her vision was blurring.  She told me she might have an allergy, "that's what the medic said".  It's been pouring with rain for 48 hours.  I don't need to check the pollen count (but I do), it's low and she's never suffered particularly.  I don't think it's allergies I tell her. She shrugs and says she needs to have a lie down, she didn't get much sleep last night. She's decided she doesn't need the melatonin anymore and I think she's cramming all night, going to the exam first thing, home by midday and then sleeping till, well, I wake her up. She's eaten dinner with us the l...
Post a Comment
Read more

Unceasing Character Assassination (UCA)

This is an unstoppable verbal torrent which contains some inciteful observations, some creative metaphors and lots of criticism, distain, incredulity and outrage. It is spoken with insistence and without a break.  There are almost no rhetorical questions that I can think of and most of it is therefore phrased as a definitive account of what 'you do' and what 'you think'. It comes after an argument/melt down and feels, at first, like something one should respect.  Both husband and I have experienced these and some instinct tell us there is merit in letting Lily get these things off her chest. There might be useful learning on both sides and an opportunity for us to acknowledge where we have made a mistake, or explain further why we said or did something that we did. The trouble is, it is very hard to get a word in edge ways and even less likely that what we say will be given any credence. Above all, there is no reduction in fervour.  If anything, she becomes more vindict...
Post a Comment
Read more