Night Rider

Lily is 15 and a half.

She is clever and creative, articulate and reflective.  

Sometimes.

She is also obstinate, obstructive, rude and closed off, sometimes.

It is 5 days since she was diagnosed with autism and we are now waiting to hear whether she also has ADHD.  The diagnosis was not exactly a surprise but I had prepared myself for not getting one as I thought she would struggle more if that were the outcome.  We had also both been more focused on the ADHD having gone to a talk about it together, at the beginning if January.  I didn't realise she saw ADHD as a bit more common and a bit more "socially acceptable" (her words) but I did know that an ASD diagnosis would be complicated by the fact that her older, aggressive and disruptive brother was also diagnosed 2 and a half years ago.

I'm thinking for a moment - why am I measuring the half years?  well of course, it is because when you are parenting non-neuro typical kids (especially when you don't know it) a day can feel like a week, or a month.  It took us over a year to get Lucas assessed and it was a turning point that I still need to measure in months, not years.

Trying to anticipate outcomes and laying the groundwork of expectation is something my husband and I have learned to do constantly since our children came to us, aged 5 and 6.  Seeing Lucas' behaviour through an ASD lens helped but it was complicated by other diagnoses and early life trauma and Lily will be the same.  Her attachment style is avoidant so I can't tell if her shutting me out is because of that, or her autism or standard teenager want-to-break-free-ness.

Why does it matter? Because I don't know how to support her.  I don't know which book to read, which guidelines to follow, who to talk to.  I've spent the afternoon watching a very dry YouTube video on an academic study of Autistic Burnout.  Lily is currently on a 3 day school week after managing a total of 2 days of school in the last month.  Today was a non-school day.  At 4pm she appears from her room-cave to tell me she is going over to her friend's and can she leave there at 7.30pm - getting home some time after 8pm?

Oh dear, looking at it now I'm doubting myself, but bear with me.

Firstly, we live in a reasonably bike friendly city but it is February and it is dark from 5pm and today it is raining. Lily wears glasses, a black coat and, despite my best efforts, will have poorly charged bike lights and probably cycle with her hood up and her long hair drooping all over her face. Routes to her friend's house will all be traffic heavy.  I'm torn between worrying about her safety and building up her confidence and independence.

Secondly, she is a terrible time keeper and consistently messages at a time she is due home to ask for more time.  Our school night 'be-at-home-by' time, in the winter, before Christmas, was always 6.30pm.  Somehow it has now extended to 7pm which regularly looks like 7.30pm or later so me agreeing to her leaving her friend's at 7.30pm will extend this even further.  

Interestingly, when I expressed this to her she pointed out that I had let her stay till 7.30pm last week, then picked her up in the car, so why couldn't she do it again when she was on her bike?  This assumption that a single event would form the basis of a routine was a major issue with Lucas and had us on our guard every time he requested anything.  I've not noticed it so starkly with Lily before,  

Right, but what is the problem with 8pm on a school night for a 15 year old? ( Let's put to one side any thought of an 'evening meal' and address the erratic eating/nutrition/hydration another time.)

Well, it comes down to this selective ability to get up and out and participate in social activities but not make it to school or participate at home.  I just don't know whether I should be celebrating and praising her doing anything at all, or putting my foot down in a way that some of her energies are directed towards 'work'.  Husband and I have never felt we could be the sort of parents we wanted to be - maybe all parents feel that? - but it's just so hard to trust yourself and assert yourself when you are also trying to be so bloody aware. 

In the end I think I did a good job expressing myself.  

When she was jumpy about the time and me not immediately agreeing to her schedule I said:

- I understand that her daily cycle is different to everyone else's (up after 2pm) but it was nothing to do with me that she was now in a rush to get out

- I feel like she is taking advantage of changes over the last month such as having her phone for longer periods and staying out longer

- She needs to give me the same consideration as I try to give her when making arrangements which is sufficient time to process and agree something

By the time I'd said all that she was so exasperated and desperate to go she said she would 'just come home earlier'.  

We'll see. It's very wet out there.