Eating

Food, nutrition and eating are the topic of the day.

One of my new year's resolutions was to remember that the way to Lily's heart is not through her stomach.  That's not to say she doesn't like food, just that there is no point in pouring one's heart into a specially prepared meal or planning something she might especially like.  Her mood, appetite and level of engagement are highly unpredictable.  

I come from a family where love is expressed in food and eating.  This is exacerbated by baby-boomer parents with a hatred of waste and a fear of hunger.  I know the social expectations around meals and restaurants and table manners and food intake are the bane of many people's lives, not just neuro-diverse folk, but it occurs to me (being the fan of survival shows that I am) that the value of food is built into our DNA. With a knowledge that food can be scare, sharing it or giving it to someone else is surely the ultimate gesture of love and care? 

My younger brother was what they called a fussy eater and I remember painful times around the dinner table with my dad fuming because my brother was not eating the amazing meal my mum had put together from the scarcity of the Benghazi grocers.  I basked in the glory of clearing everything on my plate and trying every new offering - curried cauliflower soup, cow's tongue, Ramek cheese triangles.  Needless to say this strategy had its own repercussions later in life and I am a veteran of every weight-loss club and scheme you can name.  I was painfully aware, when the children came, that I have an over emotional involvement with food so I have always worked really hard not to transfer any of my pre-occupations onto them. Still, husband will tell you, I put so much thought and planning and awareness into all meals that it is by greatest vulnerability when it comes to unattached and traumatised children.

Over the years we went through every version of eating together we could think of to try to diffuse the tension at the table - 'picky food', serve yourself, buffet on the side, only eating together on Sundays, cooking nights, - until finally relenting and feeding Lucas separately.  This was as much to protect Lily from his taunts and husband and me from their Olympic style bickering as it was to help with any ASD issues he had with food.  Lily's behaviour around meal times looks like this:

- take 10 minutes+ to come to the table after being called and immediately go to the toilet for another 5 minutes

- wander around the kitchen, sit down then get up again looking for a sauce that is not on the table, she can always think of one

- sit down, ask what's for dinner and then say she's not very hungry

- panic about how much is being served onto her plate or serve herself to miniscule quantities

- eat with fork not knife, stare in glazed fashion, prop head up or keep hand on her lap

For a long time she would never, ever clear a plate no matter how little I gave her.  More recently she has been eating a bit more.  Contrary to what she ranted about last night, I have stopped making all comments about quantities at the table, perhaps only sometimes invoking my mother and her mother with a little extra something green on the plate.  

Sometimes, like yesterday evening, we have really great conversations.  Last night we talked about Russia and Trump and democracy and elections. She has a cold and was suffering greatly (another entry another day) so I'd actually suggested she might eat later, no pressure.  As it was, she ate a bit but appeared at 9.30pm saying she was hungry.  I directed her to some left overs but of course that's not what she wants.  She starts making hot chocolate and 10 minutes later is still staring at her phone so I tell her that if she's hungry she should eat some food not just have hot chocolate. When she tells me it is too late to eat anything substantial I suggest she could have eaten more at dinner time - big mistake.

This is what Lily says about food and eating when she is feeling got at:

-I don't want to eat with you guys but I do just to make you happy

-I want distraction while I'm eating (her phone)

-I don't feel hungry, I don't want to be full, I feel like I'm going to throw up

-You always comment about my food, I know what I need, it's my body

This is what I see of Lily's eating

-Breakfast cereal is her go to meal, large bowl, loads of milk

- She will eat fruit and vegetables, oranges are a current favourite

- Because she get's up so late and has to have her cereal she usually only has 2 'meals' a day, one of which is a bowl of cereal, her evening meal is small, currently instant noodles at 4pm ish although husband has just hidden them because he can't stand the smell

- She does not bother with making sandwiches but can sometimes make super elaborate lunches or versions of TikTok recipes which are strangely disappointing 

-she has expensive tastes: smoked salmon, avocado, special cheeses, sushi 

- she notices smells and flavours acutely but is not overly sensitive to texture

- Lily is more afraid of being full than being hungry

I would love to give her a simple routine with nutritional food spaced 4 hours or so apart, 3 or 4 times a day.  I would love her to make her own choices for some of those meals and I would like to think it would help her with her sleep, her energy levels and her overall mood.  It feels like such a simple thing to me.  But of course, it isn't.  Even when I step right back - another New Year resolution was me not cooking on Sunday night, even then she mostly reverts to instant noodles or nothing at all.  I can't tell you the number of times she drifts around the kitchen asking me what she should eat - it's like some brain-teaser torture because there's no right answer.  She doesn't know, she can't tune into her body and the whole process is tied up with a whole load of other social constructs that she's doing battle with, and me, probably.

I plan to try to talk to her about it and I'm prepared to keep re-working my own beliefs around meal times and nutrition but like everything we are trying to strike the balance between Lily's neuro-spicey needs and not become beholden to the family according to Lily.

Photo by Askar Abayev: https://www.pexels.com/photo/family-gathering-at-festive-table-5638732/