Parenting Lily

I ended the last blog post with an either/or choice between what I think is good for us as a family and what Lily wants or needs for a healthy food intake.  I left my computer feeling guilty. How could I impose some family construct on her if that meant she found eating uncomfortable, stressful and hard to do?  Yet we had actually had a very pleasant time all together at the table the night before so I couldn't quite believe that it is was always as bad as she suggests in her angry moments. Last night was a 'get-your-own-dinner' night.  She was buzzing after spending time with friends so I felt I could sit at the table with her without troubling her.  She was happy to talk, I mentioned the BBC programme and she came back with a YouTube channel she'd found with a video on burnout vs depression and she was thrilled by how much made sense to her (It's this one by Mom on the Spectrum ).  I picked up on one of her bugbears which is people 'understanding' (or not...

Food, nutrition and eating are the topic of the day. One of my new year's resolutions was to remember that the way to Lily's heart is not  through her stomach.  That's not to say she doesn't like food, just that there is no point in pouring one's heart into a specially prepared meal or planning something she might especially like.  Her mood, appetite and level of engagement are highly unpredictable.   I come from a family where love is expressed in food and eating.  This is exacerbated by baby-boomer parents with a hatred of waste and a fear of hunger.  I know the social expectations around meals and restaurants and table manners and food intake are the bane of many people's lives, not just neuro-diverse folk, but it occurs to me (being the fan of survival shows that I am) that the value of food is built into our DNA. With a knowledge that food can be scare, sharing it or giving it to someone else is surely the ultimate gesture of love and care?  ...

I want to understand what behaviours Lily is masking, how can we help her feel more at ease about them and what soothing things might she also be avoiding because she thinks they are not acceptable? I remember watching the BBC programme Inside our Autistic Minds  where an autistic woman makes a film to show her mum what she has never said or shown her.  I've just watched it again and now I'm wondering how I can get Lily herself to watch it.  It's such a good reminder that we might not know our own children, even when we love them as much as we do. I can think of a couple of times recently when another parent has said of a worrying behaviour in their child, that it can't be happening because "I would know".  ASD aside, I immediately think of all the little deceits I perpetrated against my own parents as a youngster.  I think about how some friends I thought I knew well changed or how I upset other friends because I assumed they were like me, and they weren'...

Lily made it back from last night's excursion at a reasonable hour.  True to form there had been a text asking to come home later but I'd not seen it so I side stepped that one. All the same, she didn't make it to school today. I'm an architectural designer with my own practice designing extensions and refurbishments but business is slow just now.  I have one project on site, one just about to get planning permission and a few wallowing in the murky completion stage with a builder that has run into financial problems.  I work on my own.  My home office was taken over by Lucas last year when he was suddenly and unexpectedly sent home from his full time placement.  A few weeks turned into 8 months and I now rent a desk in an office in town.  I've always fitted by work round the family but just now I have even less of a routine than usual and responding to Lily's ebbs and flows is leaving me, well, at sea. Lily drifted around the kitchen this morning, clearly ...

Lily is 15 and a half. She is clever and creative, articulate and reflective.   Sometimes. She is also obstinate, obstructive, rude and closed off, sometimes. It is 5 days since she was diagnosed with autism and we are now waiting to hear whether she also has ADHD.  The diagnosis was not exactly a surprise but I had prepared myself for not getting one as I thought she would struggle more if that were the outcome.  We had also both been more focused on the ADHD having gone to a talk about it together, at the beginning if January.  I didn't realise she saw ADHD as a bit more common and a bit more "socially acceptable" (her words) but I did know that an ASD diagnosis would be complicated by the fact that her older, aggressive and disruptive brother was also diagnosed 2 and a half years ago. I'm thinking for a moment - why am I measuring the half years?  well of course, it is because when you are parenting non-neuro typical kids (especially when you don't know ...